Exclusive extract from my new book of book jokes

To be honest I’m not a huge fan of book introductions, so if you’re anything like me then please do feel free to skip the next 500 words and whizz down to the yet-to-be published opening salvo in my new book, A Book of Book Jokes (which might mutate slightly to The Book Lover’s Book of Book Jokes), out on September 22.

I’ve written introductions to all my books, usually in the 500-1,000 words bracket. They’re always the last thing to do, partly because the book usually changes quite dramatically from Day 1 of writing it to Day Finish, but also because they need to be written to fit a space. As a support act for the Joke Book headliner, here’s one I think worked particularly well, the introduction for Shelf Life, a collection of essays on books and book culture I edited for The British Library published almost exactly four years ago. I’ve chosen it not just because it’s short, but also because this newsletter aims to do very much the same as the book, viz “reveal the nuts and bolts of books”.

We are surrounding ourselves with bookishness more than ever before. You can stay in library-themed hotels around the world, slouch on armchairs with built-in bookshelves at home, and run your own Airbnb bookshop in Scotland for a week. And it’s not just books, an entire literary lifestyle is now available on demand. Decorate your sitting room with bookcase wallpaper. Slice your carrots on Romeo and Julienne chopping boards. Spray yourself with ‘Mr Darcy’ fragrance. Apply temporary literary tattoos (“I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading!”). Buy a shower curtain that looks like Bilbo’s front door.

But while we have developed the technnology to carry an entire library almost weightlessly in our handbags, the delights of bibliomania are nothing new - the writings we have brought together in the collection you have in your hands feature the thoughts of some of the giants of world literature on the subject of books and reading over the last 400 years.

Our interest in books about books and writers on writing is insatiable and many readers will be familiar with Orwell on bookselling, Woolf on how to read, and Eco on the end of the book. The musings on the following pages take us by the hand and show us behind the scenes of the written word. They reveal the nuts and bolts of books in the same way that daily transfer gossip supplements the diet of football fans or that the extras on the making of the film on DVDs satisfy film buffs.

So prepare yourself to hear from an iconic Prime Minister about the best way to store your books and from an illustrious US President about what to read outdoors. Then enjoy serious speculations on the psychological implications of reading from a 19th century philosopher, and less serious ones concerning the problems of getting rid of unwanted volumes from one of the world’s most famous literary cricketers. These essays and commentaries – and indeed one or two of the writers - have been largely and unjustly forgotten, but they are certainly not past their sell-by date, and deserve the longest possible shelf life.

And now onto the main event, here’s my introduction to The Book of Book Jokes. If you smile mildly at any part of it, I think you will enjoy the actual book itself. Even if you groan, you should still take a chance on it. The Dylan Thomas joke really is that good.

When I asked The British Library if they’d like to publish a collection of book jokes they actually suggested that I write a book on librarians. But I said no, because writing on paper is much easier. Eventually I convinced them and started working on the first draft on my laptop in the pub round the corner, but then the barman saw me and threw me out, shouting: “We don’t want your typing here.”

That’s as good as it gets folks. I wouldn’t blame you if you put the book straight back on the shelf right now. If you’ve already bought it and are reading it at home, apologies, but also thank you for funding my international playboy jetsetting lifestyle. My butler salutes you.

If you do carry on reading, you’ll find jokes about books, writers, agents, publishers, librarians (the British Library are nothing if not persistent), grammar, bookcases, and cats. There are rib-ticklers for typographers, crackers for critics, and badly foxed quips about antiquarian bookshops. There’s also more hilarity about the Lancashire County Council’s mobile library vans than you’ll find in any other book ever published. Fact.

In short, there is a good cross-section of the stuff that my wife and children have to put up with on a daily basis. Some of these jokes are great, some are pretty rubbish, and there are a couple which will make you go ‘Eh?’. That one about Beatrix Potter is in here too.

What you won’t find is pages and pages of smart-arse witticisms from Oscar Wilde (though I always enjoy rereading The Picture of  Dorian Gray. Never gets old), no ‘hilarious puns’ from Shakespeare’s plays, no quotes from PG Wodehouse (actually, there is one, but it’s a book dedication so I’m not counting that). On the other hand there is a great Dylan Thomas light bulb gag that’s worth the price of the book in itself, and one about phrasebooks that’s guaranteed to make you both smile and groan. In fact nearly everything on the following pages will make you do that, though not necessarily in that order.

Here too are the best literary April Fools (the joke’s on you), rejection letters (the joke’s on the publisher), and Billy Wilder’s tombstone (the joke’s on him). The oldest joke dates back to the 4th century AD and I should warn you that there are some fakes here too.

On which note, it only remains for me to thank my editor Pru Freeder and my agent Paige Turner for their help in putting this book together. Any mistakes that you find in the following pages are of course all theirs.